NOTE: My statements are not necessarily my opinions. I often post point-counterpoint essays in which I strongly take one side of an issue and later counter that with antithetical views. This intellectual exercise helps me see the merit in opposing opinions and augments my creativity.

FDA raid on raw milk: Rawesome food club

Imagine if the young daughter of one of the officers involved in this raid asked him about his workday:

DAUGHTER: What did you do today, Daddy?

FATHER: We went on a raid.

DAUGHTER: Cool! Who did you go after? Drug dealers?

FATHER: No.

DAUGHTER: Bank robbers?

FATHER: No.

DAUGHTER: A child pornography ring?

FATHER: No.

DAUGHTER: Kidnappers?

FATHER: No.

DAUGHTER: The Mafia?

FATHER: No. We drew our guns, pointed them menacingly around the room, and . . .

DAUGHTER: Arrested some murderers?

FATHER: Uh, no.

DAUGHTER: Then who did you go after?

FATHER: Some people who made cheese from raw milk.

DAUGHTER: Mmmm, sounds tasty! Did you bring some home with you?

FATHER: No, we ordered them to destroy it.

DAUGHTER: (sarcastically) Oh, great!

FATHER: (oblivious to the obvious sarcasm) So you're proud of me?

DAUGHTER: No, I am embarrassed by you! Some kids at school say that you and the FDA agents you work with are just goons.

FATHER: (perplexed) Goons?

DAUGHTER: Yes, stupid goons.

FATHER: (puzzled) Stupid goons?

DAUGHTER: Yes. How can anyone properly enforce the law if he or she is ignorant of it?

FATHER: (indignantly) I know the law, young lady!

DAUGHTER: Then you know that the Constitution is the ultimate law of the land, and that it and the Declaration of Independence are the foundation for all other laws.

FATHER: Yes, I know that.

DAUGHTER: Then think of one word that aptly summarizes them.

FATHER: Big government!

DAUGHTER: No, that's two words. Did you attend the same school as Joe Biden, who said that “jobs” is a three-letter word?

FATHER: Don't be a smart aleck!

DAUGHTER: Then answer my question: one word that aptly summarizes the Constitution and Declaration of Independence is . . .

FATHER: Control!

DAUGHTER: No, Daddy, it's FREEDOM!

FATHER: Citizens are too dumb to handle freedom. They need us to tell them what to do and run their lives!

DAUGHTER: Oh, so you and the nitwits you work with are so much smarter than the citizens who pay you to protect them.

FATHER: Yes, of course we're smarter. We're the elite.

DAUGHTER: Well, if you are so smart, how can you read the Constitution and Declaration of Independence and conclude from them the polar opposite of what our Founding Fathers intended? The take-home message is FREEDOM, not CONTROL. Sheesh! I'll ask Mom to schedule an appointment with the doctor so he can evaluate you for incipient dementia.

FATHER: (puzzled, trying to figure out what incipient means) Uh . . .

DAUGHTER: And if your group of elite control freaks are so intelligent, why didn't Obama know how many states we have?

FATHER: You sayin' he was wrong when he said we have 57 or 58 states?

DAUGHTER: Duh!

FATHER: Well, he was close. Only 7 or 8 off.

DAUGHTER: Daddy! For a politician to think that we have 57 or 58 states is like a doctor thinking people have 11 or 12 fingers!

FATHER: Um, ah, uh-uh-uh . . .

DAUGHTER: Stop stuttering! You sound like Obama without a teleprompter! He could have used one the day he spoke about P/E ratios, revealing he didn't know this basic Economics 101 fact.

FATHER: He didn't know that?

DAUGHTER: Even folks who received a D– in Economics know that P/E ratios refer to price-to-earnings ratios, not profit and earnings ratios! This degree of ignorance is like a doctor not knowing what penicillin is, or a builder not knowing what a 2x4 is—it's simply unfathomable! You and other elitists should be wearing dunce caps while attending summer school instead of living in a fantasy world in which your imagined superiority gives you the right to trample the Constitutional rights of citizens, most of whom could leave you and Barack in the dust in terms of having enough brainpower to correctly interpret the Constitution. If you can't understand the Constitution, and you're thuggish enough to pat yourself on the back for terrorizing people who make cheese, then you're clearly in need of adult supervision.

FATHER: But they made cheese from raw milk!

DAUGHTER: So? Did they force people to buy it? Shove it down the throats of unsuspecting people?

FATHER: Uh, no.

DAUGHTER: Then unless the flunkies you hang around with have abrogated the Constitution, then people should have the freedom to decide for themselves if they wish to consume ordinary cheese or that made from raw milk. There aren't enough police officers to go after all the real criminals, and you're wasting time terrorizing people who make cheese from raw milk? Do you have rocks in your brain, Daddy? If you want people to respect you, exhibit some common sense and stop acting like a buffoon with more firepower than brainpower! I want to be proud of you, Daddy, and I want to tell the kids in school they're wrong when they call you a goon, but I can't when I agree with them. Your behavior is despicable! You belong in Nazi Germany, not the United States of America.

FATHER: You have no right to say that! I'm your father!

DAUGHTER: Then if age confers the right to judge, then you should listen to your father. Grandpa says he fought in World War II for freedom. He says he was proud to risk his life for the chance to kill thugs who wanted to control others. Like you. You may not wear a Nazi uniform, but you think like a Nazi and act like a Nazi. You know what they say about how if the shoe fits, wear it?

FATHER: Yes.

DAUGHTER: Then put on your jackboots, thug.

The views expressed on this page may or may not reflect my current opinions, nor do they necessarily represent my past ones. After reading a slice of what I wrote in my various websites and books, you may conclude that I am a liberal Democrat or a conservative Republican. Wrong; there is a better alternative. Just as the primary benefit from debate classes results when students present and defend opinions contrary to their own, I use a similar strategy as a creative writing tool to expand my brainpower—and yours. Mystified? Stay tuned for an explanation. PS: The wheels in your head are already turning a bit faster, aren't they?

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald

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